September 25th marks fifty years since Lance Lambert, a native of the Cowper, Indiana, began carrying with him a giant, wooden bat. Tilting the wood over his shoulder, he carries his bat proudly with him from the market, to the barber, to church, and not to many other places. In Indiana, there aren’t many other places you can go – what’s necessary is there, and everyone gets by without as much as the occasional specialty coffee.
Lance Lambert is an eccentric man, but his ways have become the norm in the Cowper. He served as the leader of a new group, numbering to five-hundred at the last census, which carries with them a bat wherever they please.
“We’re protecting our rights,” they say, and they are.
September 25th also marks fifty years since the assault weapons ban, which prevents gun-owners from bringing any weapon larger than a pistol outside their homes. The mandate was voted into effect in 2020, after a town official opened fire on the Islamic State Convention. While we will not disclose his name, we can recall his words regarding the incident:
“They were everywhere, attacking me at all sides. I had to protect myself from these criminals, may God bless them.”
The shooting, which left forty dead and ten injured, was one of many events that lead to the restriction of assault-grade firearms in a public setting.
“It’s a violation of my rights, as far as I’m concerned,” argues Leland Leland, owner of the Leland Retirement Community, “Guns serve no different purpose now than they did when the Declaration was signed, and they’re not much more powerful, either. The only different thing is the types of criminals, which are ranging from blacks to Asians to terrorists.”
The diversity of Cowper has increased over the past decade, causing the overall Caucasian population to fall to a staggering 95%. It comes as no surprise: the Cowper school district is one of the best in the state, having ranked top in both math and reading for the past fifteen years. The growing racial gap of the region, however, has struck fear in the heart of another long-time citizen, Randall Gale.
“When I was about fifteen, in the year 2008,” he recalls, “our high school became segregated, and you can see all the problems it’s caused. If you go over there, you will see they [terrorists] are training our kids to go over there and join them. They’re even teaching them their code languages. It’s no surprise I need to defend myself, when my own grandkids are being taught how to kill.”
The language, French, is one that is growing in popularity among global businesses and trade. It is also the primary communication language of people from both Europe and Asia, when English is not their native tongue. Other high-need languages taught in the Cowper Schools are Arabic, Chinese, and Japanese; all which are necessary for business of any nature.
While both the sale and carriage of weapons have undergone a supreme makeover, it is important to remind readers that they are not entirely illegal. According to the Cowper County Police, there is little chance of firearms being restricted any further than the home.
“There are some people who would like to see them gone altogether, but there are amendments out there that won’t let that happen,” comments Cowper County Sheriff Daniel Baker, “We’re simply trying to keep the terror and the fighting at a minimum. We don’t need any more dead innocents, no matter what race or religion they are. The bats can put someone in the hospital; but the rifles – the rifles could kill on contact.”
What does Lance Lambert, now eighty, have to say?
“The day I stop carrying my bat is the day I die. You would have to be blind to not see those n—lovers out there, watching my every step, even at Meijers.’ They might have taken my guns, but they haven’t taken my freedom.”
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